System Failure Imminent?

I'm not going to lie to you. The last two or three weeks have been pretty rotten. The externally rotten stuff comes as a response to the stuff that's been going on inside me. There have been at least 5 or 6 times in the last few weeks that I have absolutely zero recollection about having done specific tasks. Last week someone asked why I did something and I couldn't even recall the moment I did it. It's almost like I was on autopilot. it was really, really weird.

As any responsible patient should do, I spoke to my doctor about this lapse of memory and other recent developments (like the overall nagging sensation of not feeling "right", or my constant need to sleep). He reminded me that as of this date and time, I have been on my chemo meds longer than I was on them the first time around; that my body is going through a great deal of stress through all these chemical changes and these changes will also be affecting my mind. These issues will also be worse than they have been and I am so thrilled. Let's get a cake!

I wrote about some of these "head issues" in a post called "A Box of Spare Parts That Makes No Sense". At the time, it was pretty bad, but I had no idea that it would possibly get even worse. Still, I really don't want to queue everyone up to witness first-hand any of the struggle or misery I am experiencing because they have enough struggles of their own. It also does no good to feel mopey or to project that outwardly. In some ways, it's better that I don't put on that coat as I might start wearing it every day and that would be a bad thing for me to do. I'm not that guy.

If I've screwed something up, I didn't mean to. If I did something and cannot remember doing it, hammering away at me isn't going to dredge up a memory of having done it. Just be patient with me--I'm beating myself up enough as it is and trust me... I'm better at it than you are.

System failure imminent? Let's hope not.