Moments of XXXXXXX Semi-quiet Terror and Frustration

 

Well, maybe not moments of total silence, but moments of sheer agony and disappointment where I shriek in pain and self that doesn't make for a good title. I'll change that.

There are days and sometimes weeks where I don't feel like communicating with people. It's not that I don't want to talk, but rather that I don't have the energy or ambition to so. I've been dealing with pain, both intense as well as nagging.

So, I just sit here, looking at my screen. Looking. And looking. Maybe (Oh, look... it's three weeks later! I didn't even feel like typing anything).

Since I have absolutely no clue where I was going with this, I'm just going to make an educated guess and pretend I am one month-ago me. I've just done a lot of guessing. I've discovered my brain is a bowl of Alphabet soup and think I've found the map to my destination, I realised I'm spelling things incorrectly and hitting random keys, thinking I'm spelling actual words. And punctuation? That has me laughing on the floor! I just attempted to place an exclamation point at the end of that phrase six times. How's your day??? I've been sleepy, I've had an "old man who had a stroke" voice. I've had pain in my legs. And all of this is from the chemo and the lack of fighting cells.

(And three hours later...)

And if you think I don't have fun, guess again! The other night, I had a very active dream, which had me rolling away from Stormtroopers, of course, because that's where my mind would go. It's all auto programmed at this point and at this time and place of my dream, I hurtled myself off the bed, face hitting nightstand, the rest of my body back to the floor and the whole rest of me feeling confused. I totally do not recommend it because it really hurts. You want to know what's on the menu.

What's next for ol' Dex Balagon? Dr. V has started me back on Daratumumab and added, N-Plate, along with 20 mg of Dexamethasone. The N-Plate should boost the production of my fighting cells. after that, I will most likely go through CAR-T therapy. Dr. V says that will most likely be in June or mid-July. 

Basically, if I can make it through the next few I'll be fine. That's the ticket, how do I find the energy to refill the flagging energy pool? Well, I get to do this Lou, who's been strong and amazing through all of this.

SUMMING IT UP:

• I am still practicing social distancing and no I do not if you've had your shots and have waited the requisite two weeks. I DO NOT HAVE AN IMMUNE SYSTEM, NOR HAVE I GOTTEN ALL MY SHOTS. I also said I didn't want to see people at this time.
  
• My voice doesn't work and you can barely understand me. I sound like an old man who's had a stroke and it causes me distress, so I ain't playin' dat--nuh-uh!
• I'm on some serious nuclear-grade chemotherapy drugs and have no idea in what pains or state of mind I will wake up. I sometimes overreact and it ain't pretty.
• I don't have the mind to engage on social media, which is why y'all haven't seen much of me. If you think you are the only one who wants to find out how I'm doing--you aren't, so please keep that in mind. I'll crawl out of my hermit's shack like I'm doing today and will let you know.

Right now, I could go for a big burst of love, cancer beatdowns, and love to help me make it to the next level. I SO damn tired and I don't know if I can make it without it.  

- Please and Thank You, and Love, love, love to you all