Rambling for the sake of rambling...

From time to time it occurs to me that I'm probably more overwhelmed by things than I realise. I was exhausted this weekend. It was a pretty awful dexamthasone high and I just couldn't sleep. But like the other weekends where I am on the dex, I kept moving forward like a zombie. If you are on it, you know what I'm talking about. 

This week I also waited for the results of my PET scan. I had an appointment to see Dr. V on Friday, so I expected to get my results when I saw him, but part of me wondered if the results were being held back because something was wrong. I usually get a message in MyChart, so that left a big question mark hanging over my week. 

At week's end, I got the call from Mount Sinai Hospital to schedule my appointment with Dr. J. I'd been waiting for months for the call. I wondered if they weren't following through because I was only making this appointment so I could become eligible for contact should a clinical trial open up for people with my specific criteria. Maybe they felt I was just another person with cancer and I should just stick with my Cleveland team and wait my turn.

Through the last couple weeks, I would see things turn up on my social feeds--things from people in my "peer group", if you will. Things like the following:

• Nothing like a four hour “save your marriage” session on a Saturday night. Thanks to dex, my parents and my life for apparently making me the worst person ever.
• 11 1/2 years and I thought I've seen it all. My right eye had a number of blood vessels burst due my MM relapse. Seeing a retina specialist shortly to see where I go next. Not sure if it gets worse, better or just stabilizes. They are keeping a watch on the left eye.
• What does everyone do for insurance and paying the numerous bills? I lost my job after 28 years due to outsourcing our department. I am 62 so not old enough for Medicare.
• I was diagnosed with mm 2015 stage 1 . I had VTD for 6 month I was to have bone marrow transplant in 2016 but told I could not have it as I got a infection and my organs started to fail. I have been in remission since but now my kidneys are not doing well . I have good days and bad but I keep on fighting for my family. I pray each day for all who have MM and for their families and for a cure xx
• Sometimes I wonder what the future will bring. The pain is stronger now and more consistent, but I have not had a SCT yet. I have had MM 2 and a half years. I am looking forward to Spring and enjoying the weather. I am still able to work full time. 

People have said to me that I am putting on a brave face, but I don't think that's it at all. This is just how I am. I need to keep things running as normal as I can and despite the pain, the fatigue and all of the weird thoughts in my head, I still manage to keep most of my life in focus and can function. I read the things other people are going through and I wonder when or if any of these things will happen to me. As you can see, some people are really having a rough go of it and others remain optimistic. Right now, I feel like I am rambling and should stop writing. This weekend, for the first time in a long, long time, I truly feel depressed and have that sensation that I am losing hope.

In summary, between the fatigue, the pain, the stress and the empathy I have for my fellow soldiers, this week and weekend has been a pretty emotional ride for me. Lots of crying, hiding under and being angry and feeling scared/uncertain.

Thank you for allowing me to vomit words.

Love to you all!