The Inventory of Loss

Now, for those of you who know me, you knew that I would find myself doing a post-game commentary about yesterday's amazing Celebration of Life gathering for my "transplant twin", Gina. I don't want to disappoint anyone, so here it is--after this lengthy aside.

But also... I woke up this morning to the unfortunate news that an online friend from another part of the state lost his husband to Multiple Myeloma on Friday. I was not connected as I usually am due to work, the long appointment at Cleveland Clinic and then all of yesterday's travels, so I completely missed this news. For that, I am truly sorry I am late to the game, Brian. 

So, yesterday I achieved closure in one part of my life, but am now dealing with this fresh loss. While I didn't know Brian or David in the analogue, I felt that their lives were about as similar to mine and Lou's lives as one could get. I met Brian a couple years ago in a Facebook Myeloma group and we soon discovered that we were both in Ohio and were both in same-sex relationships. Brian was to David as Lou is to me and it was nice to chat with a caregiver and to get their perspective on things as there are probably a lot of things that Lou does not  vocalise to me. So, this was a nice thing to share. And in an act of projection, David's passing hurts my heart as I understand that one day Lou will likely be in Brian's shoes. They should probably meet. 

So today, despite my best efforts to remain focused and engaged in my activities, I found myself zoning out and taking inventory of the friends that I have lost over the years. This is not a fun thing and I realise that all of this is just beginning, so I should probably mix myself a stiff drink and strap myself in for a bumpy ride. 

The very first friend I lost was a girl named Cassie. Cassie was an only child and her mother worked in the cafeteria at my high school. She was a dear woman and I always enjoyed seeing her whenever I purchased lunch at school. Cassie died not long after she graduated high school. She was on her way home from The Flats back in the late 1980s and some idiot drunk driver hit her car, which forced it to flip over the median and into the oncoming lanes of traffic. No one should lose their child--especially when their life was just beginning. 

Apart from the passing of dear relatives, I was given a reprieve for a number of years until my friend Drew T. died from Pancreatic Cancer. I had seen Drew in early October. He was happy and looked healthy. I got a call from him a couple weeks later with the news of his diagnosis and immediately made plans to fly out down to Nashville to spend a couple days with him after Election Day 2010. I cooked, cleaned, did some of his laundry and took him to an appointment. I stroked his hair as he napped and made sure that he felt loved. Drew died the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. He went so quickly, but it was probably a blessing.

In 2014, I lost my local Star Wars buddy to some unfortunate alcohol-related issues. This was another difficult one for me--more so because he was close to my age and we shared a lot of fun times together. When his sister, Michelle, sold his collection part and parcel to Big Fun, I would go down to the store from time to time to visit with it and him. Yes, I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I was the caretaker of this part of his memory. 

Strangely enough, not long after Drew A. passed away, I started to feel that special something that ended up being Multiple Myeloma. Being a part of that community, I grew to know a number of folks who shared this fun and exciting adventure with me. One lady in my group was this dear older woman named Rocki. I don't know why, but I just wanted to look after her. So I did. I made sure she got to her car okay after meetings, holding her hand, and I called her from time to time to see how she was doing. Rocki started feeling a change in her condition in the late spring of 2016. She started having breathing issues and was diagnosed with some additional cancers, which caused her to pass away just before Lou and I were married in October. See? There's that tricky month of October rearing its ugly head again!

And of course, there was my beloved Gina back in February.

Her Celebration of Life gathering was absolutely gorgeous. I got to meet all the amazing people whose lives had been touched by this upbeat, supportive, gentle and caring woman. After a week of blazing hot temperatures in the Midwest, we were greeted by clear skies, comfortable temperatures and I know for a fact that Gina had an unobstructed view of her party. For the first time and possibly the last time, many of us who knew a part of her in a unique way were assembled under that sky and surrounded by nature. We were all Gina and Gina was us.

And then this morning, I learnt the news about David. Though I knew it was coming, it just felt like a gut punch that completely caught me off guard. No matter how difficult it might seem, we have to shake it off we continue to move ahead. Somehow.

We are built stronger than we realise and we need to tap into that. Our stories will continue in those who knew us and loved us and I can honestly say that each one of these people I mentioned has touched my life in beautiful ways that have altered my course in some fashion. I am... and we all are blessed.