A daily battle within my body...

I recently had a conversation with a couple other folks who'd been through cancer treatments. While those people are now cancer free, they remember how exhausting it was.

One of the ladies I was chatting with related how frustrating it was that people would often forget that she was ill just because she was laughing and working full-time. She would be feeling dead tired, but didn't feel that was how she wanted to portray herself. Even on the days she was feeling amazing, she was still often mentally and physically exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Unfortunately, that was never an option.

Like me, she would reference her illness with humour, but that was never a reason to use the cancer as an out or an "I can't".

The other person with whom I was speaking said he felt horrible because he laid his illness bare so people would understand just how he was affected on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. He didn't enjoy that, but without doing so, people would just think that everything was fine and that he was 100% on top of things when he was struggling.

I love to complain. I do, just because I think complaining can be funny sometimes. I just don't enjoy complaining about my illness. Maybe it's of my own doing when people don't know what's going on with me. If I properly griped about everything I feel, don't feel or what have you, the stream of observations would be non-stop. I don't operate that way.

Fortunately, they are really considerate where I work. They know when my energy is flagging or if I'm feeling unwell, but I think that's because they have to see my stupid face every day. I have to insist that I am fine to keep working despite the physical manifestation of the fatigue and pain. I do that because I don't want to let myself or my colleagues down. I think you can will yourself into feeling worse than you do and I don't want that to be a part of my routine. It's just not cool or acceptable to me and it shouldn't be for anyone else in my world.

I'll let you know when I'm really not fine and that's a promise. Just never forget that I never really feel amazing, but that's my norm.