Get The Balance Right

I'm not going to lie. Most days are more difficult than others. There's a balancing act that takes place inside my head and within my body that most people are unaware of. For example, during a simple conversation, I could be addressing bone pains that are occurring in my ribs and various extremities while trying to process the words that are entering my brain. While I am fully invested in what you are telling me, I am also working on keeping a pleasant expression on my face and mentally telling my bones to stop feeling like they are bending in places they should not.

FUN FACT: Bones should not be bending. This is why we have joints.

It's a difficult way to live and it takes a lot of energy. It also takes a lot of skill if you, like me, have decided that you'd like to maintain as normal a life as possible. 

I wanted to set out to explain this to people in words or concepts that they might understand. I thought about a way that I might be able to convey the whole notion of what is going on with me pretty much 100% of the time, but kept finding stumbling blocks. I knew that there had to be something that I could equate this to and, while enjoying Avengers: Endgame recently, I had my little "a-ha moment" (no, I didn't suddenly turn into a sexy comic book sketch and start running away from bad guys who wanted to pummel me with a pipe wrench, all while I was singing a really catchy song).

What I was doing was not unlike David Banner's portrayal of "Professor Hulk". David Banner alone represents "everything is fine". Hulk, at the other end of the spectrum, represents the body giving into pain and grief, and being overcome by cancer and its effects. Professor Hulk is the happy medium of keeping things in balance and trying to bridge the gap between what was and what is or might be. It takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of skill. If you commit yourself to it, you will find yourself pressed to face the mounting challenges in your ever-changing life with cancer--whether it's fatigue, pain, the side-effects of your meds or the fabulously exciting emotional ride and the stability of your mental health. 

Anthony Russo said, "Banner is the sole character who is actually forging into a bright new future, trying to build something totally new and find something completely new...Banner is the one who is the most heroic in a sense that he maintains his will to keep trying."

I keep explaining to people and sometimes they get it. It's a full-time job on top of my full-time job. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. No! What I want from you is to understand how tough it is for someone like me to get through the day and to know how awesome it is that I don't foist my full-on Hulk bullshit on you and make every day miserable for myself or for you. 

Whether or not you have cancer or some other chronic, life-threatening disease, find a way to be heroic and keep trying. That's the best advice I can give you.

Love, love, love to you all.