All I Want For Christmas...

 

Last night I had a good, old-fashioned, sustained ugly cry. Lou was saying "goodnight" to me before retreating to the guest room downstairs. I'm not entirely certain what it was that he did to trigger it, but before you knew it, I was sobbing all over my pillow. I'm tired. I'm tired of the stupid foot that gets sensations that vacillate between pain and burning tickles when I'm laying down--and the stabbing pain on the bottom of my foot when I stand up. I'm tired of chemo infusions that cannot be done because my white blood cells and immunoglobulins are too low for them to administer it safely. I'm tired of the new and mysterious things that suddenly show up on my person--like the numb chin and burning lower lip. The chin thing started four weeks ago as a small patch on the left side and then progressed to causing my entire chin to be numb earlier this week. When I brought it up three weeks ago, it was met with a shrug. Because of this, I did the thing that you aren't supposed to do--look on the internet. Now, since I know better, I went to the Mayo Clinic site for some verified information. They report that this could be as simple as neuropathy or another neurological condition all the way to it being a warning sign of a secondary form of cancer. Knowing my luck as of late, I'll probably get the secondary form of cancer. I'm tired of... wait.

I was just told my white counts were too low again and I can't have any infusion today; not the Daratumumab and not the Kyprolis. Oh, but wait! I might be having the Daratumumab after all as Dr. V's nurse, Janice, is trying to convince the doctor on call to allow it to happen. And because of this, I'm tired.

Not only do I feel tired, but I feel like some people are tested more than others. In my fantasy world, I have to ask what Jedi trials have I not gone through to prove my worthiness to advance to something better. Is there something else I need to experience? Will these tests just go on and on and on? A couple of hours ago, my friend, Tammy, told me that while these challenges are difficult and we don't know why some people are expected to bear more than others, we can't compare our trials to those that others have gone through. This act will take your happiness and dim your light. She wanted to hug me, but "social distancing and all that". She said that the world needs my light and while it seems unfair to ask this of me, she knows my light has great power because it inspires others to keep going and makes them feel loved. She reminded me of the things tht have been told to me by my friends, my family and even strangers. Maybe I'm being tested to see if I can keep that light shining even during my worst days. These days have been the worst so far, but I believe far worse ones are waiting to greet me in the future. I should probably gain some skills to help me the next time around.

I'm glad I ran into Tammy on the way into chemo. She was the right person at the right time and because of her, I feel a little less tired than I did before I stopped to wish her a Merry Christmas.

So Merry Christmas! All I want for Christmas is for you to know how much I love you... even if we haven't met in the real world.

And just for the record, I'm getting the Daratumumab today. Merry Christmas indeed!